Dearest Editor,
I am writing to you because ... well, Heaven knows I feel someone should warn the community.
I recently went to a theater production of Hairspray at the Gainesville Community Playhouse. Well ... if you could call what I saw “theatre.” Theatre should be calm, peaceful, and able to put restless children to sleep. This production was exciting, fast paced, and all too thrilling for me. Had I known there was going to be so much excitement I would have brought an extra Valium to steady my nerves. Although to be fair, I must also admonish my fellow patrons for laughing loudly and clapping continuously. Their rowdy behavior was almost unforgivable.
As soon as the show started, I knew I was going to have problems with the main character Tracy Turnblad as played by Ms. Danielle Pagliara. She was far too energetic, too innocent, and downright too talented. I always assume that I am supposed to hate everyone on stage and she made my job far too difficult. Granted, she does a wonderful job of connecting with the audience to the point where we genuinely care about her. Her triumphs become our triumphs and her sorrow becomes our sorrow. But, as I stated, that is not theatre.
Also, I feel I must contact a lawyer so a formal complaint can be made against the young male talent in this production. When Link, as played by Manny Marichal, sang It Takes Two I thought it was going to be a sweet rendition of a classic. But Mr. Marichal used his hips like a weapon! My poor daughter went screaming from the theater. Had I been able to find my walker, I would have run out too. My poor daughter is still taking cold showers.
On par with Mr. Marichal were Mr. Marcellis Cutler as Seaweed and Mr. Thomas Sanders as Corny Collins. Mr. Cutler and Mr. Sanders need to realize that people do not go to the theater to watch people who can act, sing, AND dance! I found myself feverishly fanning my face when Mr. Cutler would dance. And when Mr. Sanders sang I swear I swooned like a schoolgirl. It was unbecoming for a woman of my age and I apologize for anyone who had to witness it.
As for the ladies, I was simply shocked. Motormouth Maybelle, as played by Ms. Kathy Williams, was far too confident, too beautiful, and too talented. The first time she sang the words “big, blonde, and beautiful” ... I cheered. I was mortified by my behavior. And then when she sang “I Know Where I’ve Been” she forced me to expel liquid from my eyes. My doctor later told me that they were tears, but I am still waiting on a third opinion. Regardless of what they were, Ms. Williams' performance was downright disgraceful for make an audience feel ... emotions.
I must also say that I was very displeased with Ms. Kristin Mercer as Velma Von Tussle and Samantha Fundenberg as Amber Von Tussle. Never before in my life have I wanted to physically attack another woman for being prettier than I. And to add insult to injury, my fellow patrons seemed to love them. Clearly they are witches of some kind and they tricked everyone else into loving to hate them. I simply hated them.
Final Warning: Edna Turnblad is played by a man! How dare they dishonor a beautiful name such as Edna. While I was trying to leave the theater I noticed that the mother role was played by Esteban Alvarez. If my husband were alive he would have punched Mr. Alvarez in the neck ... my husband was a short man and Mr. Alvarez wore ... heels. Since I was alone, I fled the theater and refuse to return until a public apology is issued.
This entire experience will assuredly affect me for weeks. My stomach still turns when I think of all those attractive youths so full of energy and talent. My only hope is that I can save others from experiencing what I experienced. So, for those of you looking for a peaceful and tepid evening at a theater ... STAY AWAY FROM HAIRSPRAY!
Yours Truly,
Edna Welthorpe
Thanks for your opinion, Edna! (And before you ask, no, I am not Edna Welthorpe! One secret identity is enough, thank you.) :-)
xo xo GCP Girl
No comments:
Post a Comment